How she really writes the Harry Potter books
by Terry Smith
Summary: The TRUTH behind the Legend!


How she really does it by Terry Smith  
  
J K Rowling was FURIOUS.  
  
Here she was, at the right place, on time, and he hadn't shown up AGAIN!   
  
It was cold and dark out here in the moors of Scotland, where the books had placed Hogwarts. At least she had an expensive down filled jacket to wear and a top of the line Range Rover to drive there with now, tricked out with everything, including GPS, and costing almost 100,000 pounds.   
  
The people at Land Rover who taught her the off road course wondered what on Earth the famous author needed it for. She had her reasons.  
  
It sure beat taking the train and hiking in the cold and the dark with a compass, like for her FIRST book.  
  
Still, she was beginning to really worry. How long could she carry on this charade, how long would the fans wait?  
  
Already the rumors were circulating - writer's block, she's retired on what she's got, she's lost it....  
  
Rowling's shoulders sagged. She decided to go home. This week was another bust.  
  
Then - there was a light in the sky. could it be...?  
  
It was ! The light was getting closer and closer ! At LAST !  
  
The light soon resolved itself into a saucer shape. It faded away as it landed. She had often wondered why no one else seemed to be able to see it. Maybe it was magic....  
  
Three legs descended from the saucer as it landed in front of the Range Rover and J K Rowling.  
  
A door descended with steps on it. A figure out of legend appeared in that door and descended those steps, sequins on his jump suit sparkling in the light of the fireflies. He had something in his right hand.  
  
"HO-AH!" He said. "Lord have mercy! Ah am HERE!"  
  
'Where the HELL have you BEEN?' hissed Rowling, 'It's been THREE YEARS!'  
  
"Whoah, pretty momma! It's a big, big universe and a lotta people need the King! Yeah-ah!"  
  
'*I* need... is THAT...?"  
  
He raised what was in his right hand and smiled.   
  
"Thas RIGHT! It's a HUNKA HUNKA BURNIN' MANUSCRIPT! Ah call it 'Harry Potter and th' Order of the Phoenix'!  
  
"YESSSS!!!!! At LASSSSSSST!!!!!!!"  
  
"Here ya go! Now then, there is the matter of mah PAY..."  
  
"Yes Yes!!" Hissed Rowling, clutching the fat manila envelope to her chest for dear life, "It's in the boot!"  
  
J K Rowling opened the back of the Range Rover, with one hand, and pulled out an expensive picnic heat-proof case and opened it.  
  
Inside was a chrome bucket filled with a steaming white and brown slurry.  
  
"One gallon of mashed potatoes and gravy with a great big spoon! Just the way you like it!" She had chucked a LOT of uneaten mashed potatoes and gravy in the last three years...  
  
"Oh MAMMA! You can't GET that on Alpha Centauri!"  
  
- insert scarfing sound effects here -   
  
"Ahhhhhh....!"  
  
"Thank yew. Thank yew very much!"  
  
"If there's anything else.."  
  
"No ah, ah gotta be goin'!"  
  
He raised his Kingly chin and looked to the sky.  
  
"Mah cosmic powers call me, call me away, away to other worlds, to do mah Kingly deeds THERE, the way ah did them HERE for a while! HUH! Ah'll be back this week next year, Lord willin'!"  
  
He turned and placed a foot on the step.  
  
"WAIT!"  
  
He turned his noble head.  
  
"Yea-ass?"  
  
"I have to know - Why ME, King? Why'd you pick ME to give the books to? There's so many other children's authors, like Louisa May Alcott, Roald Dahl, R. L. Stine, and Eva Ibbotson? Why ME?"  
  
He blessed her with a smile. She felt a warm thrill run all the way down to the tips of her toes, and for a second she understood why this man had ruled the world while he deigned to live here.  
  
Then He spoke.  
  
"Because they all suck compared to YOU, J K Rowling!"  
  
"*YES*! I *KNEW* it!"  
  
He waved goodby and walked back into the saucer. The door closed and it took off vertically without a sound.  
  
Then, she was all alone on the moor.  
  
J K Rowling put the picnic container back in the boot, opened the door and got into the Range Rover. Smiling, she threw the manila envelope on the passenger seat.  
  
She sat in the driver's seat, took her jacket off and started the vehicle up. The warmth of the heater filled it instantly. She started the GPS to guide her back the road. Tomorrow was another big day in publishing history. 


End file.
